Trust. Such a needed thing in a relationship and something that should just come naturally but some times I am not sure I will ever fully regain the ability to trust again.
It has been 2.5 years since my best friend and husband told me that our marriage was over. I was a complete mess for a long time. My heart was broken and I didn't think it would ever be repaired. Well after a year of counseling, coping, acceptance and finding myself I realized that I was going to be just fine. And then I decided that maybe I was in a place where I thought I might be able to open up to someone new again.
But there was always that thought that someone new could hurt me just the same as what I gone through or maybe even worse and I did not think I could handle that again. I had built up these walls to protect myself and to look like I was doing okay to the outside world even though I was still hurting on the inside. So now if I let someone new into my life I would need to be able to trust them. But could I really trust again? I had been lied to and that is not easy to accept. I felt stupid for believing the things I believed when I knew that the stories didn't always add up but I kept telling myself I had to reason to not trust my partner. Ha, I guess sometimes we just need to trust our gut intuition a little more.
So anyways, it has been 1.5 years since I met someone new. Clint is everything I would hope for in a companion, a significant other and a role model for my boys. He has stood by me through the ups and downs of my anxiety, depression and the stress and demanding life of single parenting (and this has been tried more than ever these last couple months as the boys haven't been going to their dads as much due to his crazy busy schedule). He knows that some nights I just need to cry, I just need to be mad, I just need to let it hurt, I just need to hit the gym to get a mental break or I just need to be alone with my music and cleaning (yes I clean when I feel overwhelmed - it is one small thing in my life that I have control over).
So here comes this trust issue. I completely trust Clint and he has never given me a reason not to trust him. He has been upfront and honest about everything from the beginning. So why do I find myself second guessing things sometimes. He has to work late, he calls to let me know and says he will be home at a certain time and he shows up at said time but yet my mind starts to put in thoughts that it could all be a lie. I hate it. I know it isn't a lie. I hate that I even let those thoughts enter my head. Why am I am holding someone else guilty for things that were done to me in the past? Will this get better with time? Will I ever stop worrying and second guessing and wondering what the "real story" is?
I have been following some new blogs written by others going through same kinds of things. I follow some other single parent blogs, cause let me tell you it can be so tough some days but hearing others say that they are dealing with the same kinds of things is reassuring and gives some peace of mind. Another blog I love is about learning to love again after a hard loss and I think I have conquered that fear/resistance. I have found someone who really does complete me and my family and I am so lucky that our paths crossed at the time that they did. But I really hope that some day I can just completely let go of the pain caused by my trust being taken advantage of in the past and I can fully trust again without sometimes questioning if there might be more to the story. It isnt fair to my new relationships to not give them complete trust without doubt and questioning but let me tell you friends, it is not easy!
Learning to trust again is not an easy thing to do but I have decided that I need to live for the future and really just let go of the past and the pain. How did I get so lucky to find a man who will stand by me even when I am completely crazy (which some days it is bad)! I have said it before and I will say it again, I am one lucky girl.
