I got this, I can do it.

So I know I don't usually post about personal things on here but this is something that I feel sharing could maybe help someone else.  Could maybe give hope to someone else who is going through what I have been dealing with for a lot longer than I even realized.  

Just over two months ago I had gotten to a point in my life that I was really struggling with most day to day things.  I have struggled with anxiety/depression since Mason was born but it was never to the point that I didn't feel like I had control of my life.  Well on a Monday morning back in early September I lost control, I could no longer control my emotions.  I felt like a complete failure. I felt like I had let down my family, I didn't feel like I was the mom my boys deserved, I felt extremely overwhelmed, I was losing focusing with my job and I just started to cry.  I cried for almost 2 hours and then decided that it was time to seek help.  I called and made a doctor appointment for that afternoon.  Of course my regular doctor was on vacation so I had to see a new one which I knew would suck but it was time to face this problem head on.  After a long appointment of me sobbing and saying that I didn't know what to do she said I was dealing with severe depression but I would be okay and she was there to help me.  She started me on some medications and took me out of work completely until we got this under control.   I felt like such a failure, why was I so depressed?  I have a great family, awesome friends, a good job and two amazing little boys who love me more than anything!

Over the next couple days I talked with some family about what was going on and started to ask for help which I realize now is not a sign of weakness but a sign that we are all human and can't do everything on our own.  I also was referred to a mental health specialist for some counseling sessions.  I was so scared for that first meeting with her.  I didn't even know where to start, what to tell her or how in the world she would be able to help me.  Well after my first one hour appointment I knew she could help me, even if it was just by listening to me talk for the entire hour (and by talk I mean cry through most of our conversation).  I am not going to go into detail with everything that I am struggling with because well I don't think you really care or need to know.  But I will say that talking with someone from the outside has been amazing.  I have been doing weekly counseling appointments and I feel they are really helping, actually the last one I was able to get through the entire appointment without crying - a huge success if you ask me.  I have also been back to my own doctor 3 times over the past 7 weeks for medication adjustments and just to be sure that I am doing okay.  I think we finally have the medication at the right dosage which is nice and I have been cleared to not have to go back to her until January for a follow up appointment.  I hate that I need to be medicated to be "happy" but for now I am going to take the relief it gives me and hopefully with time I will be able to stop taking them but I am not going to focus on that for now.  

I am doing much better today then I could have ever dreamed of just two months ago!  I was out of work completely for 3 weeks and then went back part time for 2 weeks and now I am back to working full time again.  I feel I am finally getting back to the strong person I used to be.  And I am back to eating again which feels great as well because when this all started there were times I would go a day or two without eating a thing and that of course had my doctor and my family quite concerned.  I was told I needed to start eating or I would end up in the hospital and hearing that would scare me because I knew my boys needed me at home but I just didn't feel the need to eat and was hurting so badly that I was sick to my stomach and couldn't even force myself to swallow food some days.  Thankfully that has gotten much better, I have even gained back a few of the almost 30 pounds that I lost in just over 2 months. I love to cook and now that my appetite is back I have gotten back into cooking delicious dinners for my family.  

There are a lot of things that I have realized in the past few months and I have changed much of my outlook on things.  I used to be that mom that tried to do everything for my kids, I didn't want them to miss out on anything because I was too lazy or didn't have the time.  At one point this past year we had activities for Colton 5 nights a week.  I realize now that it wasn't healthy for any of us.  He said he liked everything he was in but it wasn't necessary at all.  So this winter we have decided to take a break from most of the "extra" activities and just focus on some quality time together at home, put more emphasis on homework and even get in a little relaxing.  We still have Cub Scouts one night a week but other than we are free and I have to admit that it has been amazing.  We aren't rushed every night to get dinner done and run out the door and then doing baths and homework later when they should be winding down for bedtime.  The boys seem to really enjoy our quiet time at home and homework has been much less of a battle this year than it ever has been in the past and bedtimes are about as smooth as any parent could ever dream of having for bedtime routines.   I realize now that my boys won't look back at their childhood and thank me for running them around every day of the week but they will look back and smile about the fun memories like building giant blanket forts in the family room together, having slumber parties in Mommy's bed (when Daddy is out of town), going for long bike rides on our tour of parks, making dinner together and just sitting and talking about how our day was.  I have a relationship with my boys today that is much different than the relationship we had just 6 months ago.  We have a stronger bond and to be honest they are much better behaved (most days) and I think that is because they don't have to fight for my attention anymore.  We have plenty of family time scheduled each week now with life not being so crazy and on the go all the the time.  

I have also realized that some me time is important too.  I mean I always knew it was but I would put the boys and their needs way ahead of my own needs.  Of course my boys still come first and always will but I also make it a point to take some time each week for just me.  I have my couple nights a week that I go to the gym by myself and I have made more time to get together with friends and even managed to squeeze in a couple tanning sessions (tanning always lifts my spirits during these long winter months) and some long baths at the end of the stressful days.   I hope to continue this trend of "me time" as it is beneficial for both myself and the boys as I am much less stressed and crabby.

Depression is scary and sometimes hard to even realize that it is happening and taking over or interfering with our lives.  Also I should note that after one counseling session my diagnosis was quickly changed from Severe Depression to Adjustment Disorder with Situational Depression.  I was having a hard time with some changes in my life, which I knew I was struggling with but I didn't realize just how quickly the changes were taking over my life and how hard it would be for me to adjust and accept.    I am going to continue with seeing my counselor however we have moved the appointments to bi-weekly starting this week due to the progress I have already made.  I also realized through all of this that I have some of the most amazing friends a girl could ever dream of (sorry for those who didn't know until this post, I didn't tell everyone for reasons I am sure you can understand) and my family is my rock for sure.  My mom and dad were there for my anytime of day and believe me they dealt with me at all hours.  My dad was at such a loss of what to say one day when I went over there in the middle of the day just crying and needing to talk to someone that he just sat on the couch next to me and cried with me!  That is not a side of my dad that I have seen much of in my life but it made me realize that we are all in this together and when one of us hurts we all hurt.  I know that they are always available for me to lean on and that gives me so much comfort and peace and helps pull me through the difficult days (which I still have but they are becoming less often and easier to get through).  I have a couple friends who know every detail of my struggles and they have been amazing in pulling me through the darkest of days.  I get a text almost every day from at least one of them that simply says "How are you doing?".  Just knowing that there are people out there that care and want to be sure I am okay is such an amazing feeling and I feel honored to have these friends.  Sometimes they get a response saying today is a good, I got this and other days they get a much longer response than I am sure they ever wanted.  I am blessed to have such strong woman to lean on right now and I hope they know that I will always be available to them if they need me for anything at all.  

And there are two more people that have really pulled me through this whole nightmare and they are my boys.  I swear they knew I was hurting even though they were never told what was going on.  I would wake up crying in the middle of the night some nights and within minutes Colton would be down in my room.  I would ask him what was wrong and why he was in my room and he would always say " I don't know" but would ask if he could sleep with me (this seemed to happen a lot more when Frankie was traveling for long periods at a time).  I think somehow Colton knew I was needing comfort at that very moment.  Mason too knew when I was needing him the most, he would come walking in the kitchen at just the right moment to give me snuggles and it would remind me that I got this, that I can do it!  The boys helped to pull me through some of my darkest, saddest days and they didn't even know they were doing it.  

If you are struggling don't be afraid to ask for help.  Talk to friends and family, they won't judge you and they will be there to help you!  Talk to your doctor, they know how to help people in these situations.   There is no shame in admitting that maybe you need some help to get through a situation or hard times.